How my dad helped me beat Wario in Mario Golf

June 20, 2021

by Mitch Reames

My dad was never really a gamer. Now, that man could absolutely demolish some Ms. Pac-Man or Galaga when given the chance, but that was about the apex of his gaming career. Perhaps not coincidentally, that was about the time I entered his life. So, after I received an N64 for my fifth birthday, he helped me plug in the CRT cables and it was up to me to figure out how the hell to drift on Mario Kart or unlock characters on Super Smash Bros.

Growing up I was a huge sports fan, so when Mario Golf kicked off the Mario Sports franchise, I was all over it. The only problem was, I didn’t know a thing about golf. In the future, other Mario sports titles like Mario Super Strikers and Mario Superstar Baseball were easy to grasp because I knew the rules from my experience chasing a soccer ball in a roaming beehive on a soccer field and hustling out dribblers in tee ball.

But Mario Golf, that game just confused me. What’s a stroke? A birdie? A quadruple bogey? Why is Toad waving a little red flag with the letters “ob” on it?

Although my dad was never much of a gamer, he was a pretty damn good golfer. So when he saw me struggling with Mario Golf, he stepped in. Much like the real game, Mario Golf can be addictingly frustrating, especially as a 5 year old with extremely limited cognitive functions.

This Father’s Day, with a new Mario Golf coming out Friday, my thoughts keep turning back to those days. I remember the character challenges more than anything.

For some reason, Mario Golf on the N64 started with a random group of characters. The first four to start were Princess Peach, Baby Mario and then Plum and Charlie. The latter two were just pixelated golfers one could expect to see on any golf course out there. To get the actual characters including Mario, the game's namesake, you had to earn it.

The majority of characters were locked behind one-on-one challenges -- match play as it’s known in IRL golf. The first one to come up was Luigi who was pretty easy to beat even as a 5 year old. So was Yoshi, No. 2. Then came Sonny. Sonny was the bane of my kindergarten-aged existence.

His tagline “It’s a Sonny day” was irritating the first time. By the 50th loss I was ready to take his Cowboy hat and shove it where the sun didn’t shine. Likely after I threw some sort of tantrum (I was 5, give me a break), my dad decided to step in. Or maybe my mom told him to just deal with it. Either way, I suddenly had a partner who could actually beat these computer players.

After Sonny came Wario who just absolutely piped drives all over the place and was impossible to match. Harry, another generic player, was the fifth challenge. Then the big two, Mario, who was actually good at this game unlike almost all the rest of the other Mario Sports titles, and Bowser. I honestly don’t ever remember if we got all the way to Bowser. I really just remember the feeling of beating Sonny and Wario with my Dad.

These challenges weren’t a walk in the park for him either, but he explained what each screen meant, what I was doing wrong, where the best place on the course to aim was. He didn’t have the timing to nail perfect shots every time, but compared to me, he was Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods wrapped into one.

It’s been a long time since we played video games together, but as I write this, he’s sitting on the couch in my Las Vegas apartment, the first time we’ve seen each other since COVID began. He’s watching the U.S. Open, rooting for the Nike athletes and against the rest, a tradition that has dictated much of his sports habits over his 29-year career at the athletic apparel giant.

By the time Mario Golf: Super Rush comes out next week, he will be back in Portland. But every time I play that game, I’ll be thinking of him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beer to drink with my dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Lead image credit: Nintendo